June 9, 2013
And we wait..
Letting go of control is hard.
I spent a huge portion of my pregnancy (and even before that) thinking about how the birth would be. It would be natural, pain-relief free and in my head, this blissful experience that I will hold dear to my heart. For what reason, remained unclear.
The pissing contest that is motherhood dumbfounds me. And I only say this because I was/am in it. I felt/feel like if I accept pain relief or if my birth isn't as per the most natural way possible, I am cheating myself of something. That's why it was so hard for me to let go and make the decision that we would get induced tomorrow night - 7 days after my due date.
At first my resistance seemed to make sense to me. I wanted to wait all 10 days so that I wouldn't be judged (by myself or others) for having "forced" my baby into this world. I was angry when Luke asked our doctor "What are our induction options if we go over the due date?" at our 39 week appointment. She offered for me to have the gel on Monday night, and if things didn't progress in the morning, my waters would be broken and I would then be given Syntocinon (which up till now has felt like someone's said they are going to inject the devil into my blood stream).
Let me explain this ridiculousness:
- I am not a hospital person. Even when I visit my Nan/Pop in a recovery unit, I can stay barely 20 minutes and feel dizzy with cold sweat the entire time. Hospitals do something to me. My idea was to labour at home for as much as possible before heading over. I was even going to bake some cookies for the midwives to keep active (Oh yeah, I am a huge romanticizer).
- I am definitely not a needle person. I near passed out getting acupuncture. I literally passed out giving blood. Also passed out getting the Implanon rod put in my arm a few years back. The thought of being on a drip can make me hyperventilate.
Why have I decided to go with the induction?
Luke goes away for 5 weeks in less than a month. Every day that passes by is one less day they have together before he is off to work for 35 grueling days without being able to hold our baby. I know we have a lifetime together but I realised my fears were selfish. What is 3 days? And is the point not to just have him come into this world safely and once he is in my arms... Will any of this have mattered?