Moments. And finding myself.

Just before we left Australia, I met up with a friend and, in between us chatting about where to get nice kids clothing and feeling like we needed to move outside because the children were messing up the cafe, we both found that we were questioning ourselves. As mothers, as wives, as people who wanted a career.

Lately, I've felt like I am attempting everything at a 50% capacity.

I want to take photographs, both on a personal and professional level because doing that makes me feel happy, but is that selfish? I did choose to be a stay-at-home mother.

I want to breastfeed but I am at a point where I know it has run its course. I am exhausted. Mason still has at least 3 breastfeeds through the daytime and through the night, is nursing almost endlessly (Thank you, Teeth). I don't believe I have had over 3 hours of consecutive sleep in the last 5 months. I am working on a whole other post regarding my breastfeeding journey with Mason.

In other ways, I feel my body fails me some days. It functions, but not to it's fullest ability as a woman. But there's another place and time for that story.

Suffice it to say I have enjoyed these last few weeks. I haven't spent too much time thinking about anything. I am mama to a charismatic toddler. I chase him around and feed him. I lie down for afternoon naps with him. I don't worry about much. I am just his mama.

I get my camera out when I feel the urge. I go for a walk if I want to. Sometimes, I have a slice of cake just before dinner.

I let go of my thoughts on what things should be like, and just accept what they are for the moment.

#shieldsdobali

This is what it's looked like for us lately. We spent our first ten days in Bali up in Balian, a quiet village about 2 hours north of Seminyak. There is nothing but black sand beach and river stones (aka Mason's new favourite toy). There is no denying I will miss the quiet but the city girl in me is happy to be in the hustle and bustle of it all (ask me again in a week though..)

#shieldsdobuller

A few weeks ago, we roadtripped to Victoria's Mount Buller for a bit of powdery fun* as part of Luke's 31st birthday. It was the coolest experience watching Mason discover snow.. He touched it, and touched it. Again and again, as if he was not too sure of it. Then, of course, he tried to put it his mouth.. Ugh. That stops eventually, right?

Mason and I spent most of our time on the toboggan and having hot chocolates (and babycinos). I would definitely say my favourite part of the trip was dressing Mason in ridiculously bulky snow outfits and then watch him try to find his centre of gravity like a baby penguin. And of course, the divine Italian restaurant downstairs where we ate 4 out of our 6 dinners.


*Said "fun" was probably mostly enjoyed by the husband. The uncoordinated (myself) do not particularly enjoy boobie traps like wet, icy floors.

A birthday for Luke

Luke has always been a 'This is what I want for my birthday' sorta guy. It makes it kinda awesome because I don't have to wreck my brain for months figuring out what to get him. This year we celebrated this awesome dude's actual birthday with a family brekkie and then a scrumptious lunch at this cool place.

 

Soaking it all in

Autumn is a grand time of the year.. You soak in whatever's left of the sunshine and warmth, and treasure each warm day as if it were a gift.

Each morning, we share breakfast together, the three of us. And I am silently grateful and appreciate that there will probably never be time like this again, where the three of us will share breakfast everyday (even weekdays!), without a care as to what the rest of the day holds for us. It is hard to live in the now and appreciate everything you have when you are overwhelmed by washing, day to day chores and the what-ifs that tomorrow brings.

Luke's surgery was a success and we are now in the first stage of his rehabilitation. He is sore and can't help out much with Mason or around the house. But still, we sit and have breakfast and I am so grateful that he is here.

A lunch date with my boys

It is always hectic when Luke is home with us, whether its renovations around the house or quick trips to Singapore, we are hardly ever still when this husband of mine comes back from work. 

So we thought it was a good idea to take some time out and have a lunch date. Just us three. It was enough for me to feel like some sort of normality had set in. 

Have a beautiful week ahead, lovelies.

'Twas the night before Christmas

Back when I was a kid, we always did Christmas Eve dinners in our home. I never knew why, its just what was done. I've learnt it is a European tradition of sorts and I think maybe my dad might have done it as a kid. The past few years with Luke working away and my family being in Singapore, I have skipped the Christmas Eve thing and enjoyed the Australian traditions with my in laws.

However this year, being the first Christmas with Mason and the first one Luke's been home for in 4 whole years, I decided I'd bring Christmas Eve dinners back. And from how much fun we all had, I'm thinking I'll keep it a running tradition for our family.

On the menu was a beautiful ham glazed ala Jamie Oliver, a whole salmon side baked and topped with a salsa verde of sorts, a pumpkin, pancetta & boccocini salad, Asian style barbequed prawns and (on Luke's special request) trifle!

We were missing my dad and brother. A corner of my heart ached for them and I watched from across the table as my mom struggled to hold back her emotions. I am comforted by the knowledge that there will be many more Christmases for our family in years to come.

We spent the following day at Luke's parents where we opened presents and had a beautiful lunch. We played trivia games and board games, and only got home after 10pm. It's a lovely sort of exhaustion to feel after having a brilliant day.

I hope the festive season has been more than kind to all of you, and that Santa was generous. x


I CANNOT believe Luke, myself and Mason never got a photo together the entire time. Excuse me while I knock my head against the wall.

Gratefulness

Today, my mom watched Mason for an hour while Luke and I went to the beach. He surfed and I sat on his towel, in the sand, like I used to when we were dating. I kept my eye on him as he paddled out and caught his first wave. I watched our keys, his sunnies and listened to Ingrid Michaelson with my earphones. I didn't have to worry about sand getting into a baby's eye.. Or if I had repacked new diapers in my bag.. I just sat there and tapped my toes in the sand to the sound of the music playing in my ears.

It was so simple. But so necessary. I laid down and shut my eyes. I felt the breeze and the sea mist caress my face.. I dug my toes deeper into the sand beneath me.

We got home and I hugged my mom. For her, all she did was babysat her grandchild. For me?

It was so much more.

How do you do it?

I often get asked how I do it with Luke working away for 5 weeks at a time. First off, I have not come here to whinge or bag out the lifestyle that is fly in, fly out work. But more to explain what it's been like for us. Just us.

Every 5 weeks when Luke gets home, he is tired. Understandably. He's just come off working for 35 nights straight, 13 hours each night. Everyday for him there is like Groundhog Day. He sleeps, wakes up, eats, works. Repeat. For 35 nights. So when he's home, he just wants sleep. For at least the first week.

Which was perfectly fine before we had a baby.

Now, the week before Luke comes home, I am completely exhausted by this point and cannot wait to have some help. And while I will be the first to admit that with Mason, we have it easy. He is a chilled out baby and sleeps through most nights, no dramas. But when we're on our way towards the end of a swing, I am beyond tired. It's not that its every diaper, every feed, every burp, every settle...

But I miss my partner.

The one who will look at me and giggle when I've worn my pyjamas inside out because of how tired I am.. The one who I can yell "You have no idea what it's like to have your nipple chewed on!".. (Then climb into his arms for a cuddle). The one who always reminds me that, at the worst of times, I am his favourite and, I am all these amazing things to him.

That first few days Luke is home, our house is like a bomb site. It looks like a dozen living things are taking shelter in it and no one cleans and one of those living things may or may not always forget this is a "shoes off" household*.

He's home for 5 weeks and we are out and about all day everyday. He wants to fit in as much "fun" as he can before its back to work! Trips into the big smoke, going to see friends, working on our backyard, hanging out on the beach.. Mason's sleep times have always been so accommodating and for that (and so much more), I love this child of mine! But we are thrown out of whack, nevertheless.

And then it happens again for 5 weeks.. I go back to my pottering around the house. Mason and I, we fall into an unintentional routine of sorts. In between Luke being away, we cope. We text each other all the time. Mason and I send selfies every morning. Some days we have nothing to talk about so we send back "Love ya"s and "Miss ya"s again and again... It's non-intellectual stuff but your person needs it. So you do it.

Then 35 days later, we do the shuffling around with Luke home. All. Over. Again.

Basically, it's a whole lot of craziness. Craziness, compromise and letting shit go. I pretend I don't see his unpacked luggage that's been sitting there for two whole weeks and he pretends he loves that I spontaneously decided that his bedside table is now also makeshift change table. Oh, and my half done pantry reshuffle doesn't annoy him whatsoever..

Essentially, we don't do anything special to accommodate our situation. We roll along with this life that's chosen us as much as we've chosen it. We forget the things about it that upset us.. and sometimes on a Monday morning, when we're all snuggled up in bed, we realise..

We're the lucky ones.

*I wish. It is never a shoes off household. No one ever remembers. Even Especially me.

A letter to new daddy

Darling Luke,

My heart knows no greater joy than seeing our son in your arms. I always knew you'd be a great father. But it was in my hour of need, just before being wheeled away for a completely unexpected and unplanned c-section, that it solidified for me that you were my rock, and that you would be an exceptional father. You kissed me on the forehead and told me I was amazing.

And then I was wheeled back in and saw Mason in your arms. From that moment to right now.. You have been nothing short of spectacular.

We celebrated you this past weekend but two days will never be enough to show you how much we love you. I hope everyday is a reminder that you are the best father to Mason.

Always,
T