Moments. And finding myself.

Just before we left Australia, I met up with a friend and, in between us chatting about where to get nice kids clothing and feeling like we needed to move outside because the children were messing up the cafe, we both found that we were questioning ourselves. As mothers, as wives, as people who wanted a career.

Lately, I've felt like I am attempting everything at a 50% capacity.

I want to take photographs, both on a personal and professional level because doing that makes me feel happy, but is that selfish? I did choose to be a stay-at-home mother.

I want to breastfeed but I am at a point where I know it has run its course. I am exhausted. Mason still has at least 3 breastfeeds through the daytime and through the night, is nursing almost endlessly (Thank you, Teeth). I don't believe I have had over 3 hours of consecutive sleep in the last 5 months. I am working on a whole other post regarding my breastfeeding journey with Mason.

In other ways, I feel my body fails me some days. It functions, but not to it's fullest ability as a woman. But there's another place and time for that story.

Suffice it to say I have enjoyed these last few weeks. I haven't spent too much time thinking about anything. I am mama to a charismatic toddler. I chase him around and feed him. I lie down for afternoon naps with him. I don't worry about much. I am just his mama.

I get my camera out when I feel the urge. I go for a walk if I want to. Sometimes, I have a slice of cake just before dinner.

I let go of my thoughts on what things should be like, and just accept what they are for the moment.

#shieldsdobali

This is what it's looked like for us lately. We spent our first ten days in Bali up in Balian, a quiet village about 2 hours north of Seminyak. There is nothing but black sand beach and river stones (aka Mason's new favourite toy). There is no denying I will miss the quiet but the city girl in me is happy to be in the hustle and bustle of it all (ask me again in a week though..)

#shieldsdobuller

A few weeks ago, we roadtripped to Victoria's Mount Buller for a bit of powdery fun* as part of Luke's 31st birthday. It was the coolest experience watching Mason discover snow.. He touched it, and touched it. Again and again, as if he was not too sure of it. Then, of course, he tried to put it his mouth.. Ugh. That stops eventually, right?

Mason and I spent most of our time on the toboggan and having hot chocolates (and babycinos). I would definitely say my favourite part of the trip was dressing Mason in ridiculously bulky snow outfits and then watch him try to find his centre of gravity like a baby penguin. And of course, the divine Italian restaurant downstairs where we ate 4 out of our 6 dinners.


*Said "fun" was probably mostly enjoyed by the husband. The uncoordinated (myself) do not particularly enjoy boobie traps like wet, icy floors.

A first birthday

On a wet and cold Sunday, we packed a few people into our home and celebrated Mason's first birthday. It was a wonderful day and I spent most of it in disbelief that a whole year had passed. Mason ate cake in awe of all the other big kids who were running around.

No surprise he went to bed extra early that night and slept like a log! Thank you to everyone who helped celebrate our little man's first year and special thanks to Gaby for these photos.

TWELVE MONTHS

Wow. So, this is it. The last of these monthly updates until I'm pregnant ha! for now. I have so thoroughly enjoyed doing them and I treasure all the little bits of information I've collected over the last twelve months about this little wonder of mine.

Righto. At 12 months, Mason is walking. That means if you came over to our house, there would either be nothing anywhere because we've hidden everything from him, or everything... everywhere because he's literally torn the house apart. When I told my sister in law that Mason had started walking, she asked if it was a 'be careful what you wish for' kind of situation.

Oh yes. It most definitely is. But oh, to see the joy on his face when he realised he was walking.. And when he reaches out to grab something and his legs actually follow him. So worth it.

He also yells at us now. Which is.. funny to a point? If he does not want his dinner, you'll know about it. If he wants yours, you'll know about it too. He says 'Ta' a lot and has his grandparents convinced its actually in reply to them giving him what he wants.. Me? I'm not too sure just yet. He tends to just randomly shout 'Ta' and 'Da' and all sorts of other things.

He's learnt the art of hanging out on his own a bit. Sometimes, when he goes quiet, I find him playing with a toy by himself. Its so cute. So cute that I do that amateur, 'parent of one kid' mistake and go sit next to him.

He is big on cuddles. Also, he has no inhibitions. He has taken to lifting Luke's and my top, and smacking us on our unflattering midsections. He then breaks into a huge giggle and we just keep letting him do it because it's obviously so much fun.

He's onto 6 big teeth now. He doesn't like hard soled shoes very much and loves the park. He still loves sweet potato and pumpkin but will gladly skip apples and pears. He's grown (too) accustomed to the car and now loves taking his naps in there. We have delved into the scary realms of nap dropping. I'm not ready for it but he most definitely is. He also fake sneezes all the time. It always sends me into a fit of giggles.

So that's one year old Mason for you. Very responsive, very temperamental, very... un-babylike. It's so, so cliche but I think this is my favourite age so far.

And just like that, he's 1.

"The most difficult part of birth is the first year afterwards. 

It is the year of travail - when the soul of a woman must birth the mother inside her. 

The emotional labour pains of becoming a mother are far greater than the physical pangs of birth; these are the growing surges of your heart as it pushes out selfishness and fear and makes room for sacrifice and love. 

It is a private and silent birth of the soul, but it is no less holy than the event of childbirth, perhaps it is even more sacred." 

- Joy Kusek

I read this on Jodi's blog over a year ago and it never left me. Today Mason is one. And I know around the world, there are people having birthdays and having babies. 

But a year ago today.. in one hospital theatre on a cold, wet Wintery day, 2 people were born. Mason, a big, swollen, red little boy.. Whose loud ringing cry was the soundtrack to the birth of me. Me the mother. 

One year into this motherhood gig and I have to say, while it has kicked my butt on more than one occasion.. It truly is all its cracked up to be. Mason's first year will forever be known as the quickest 365 days of my life. Nothing is more vulnerable than parenthood. Everyday, a portion of your heart. An actual piece of your heart, is just out here in the world. Walking around (well, mostly crawling). It isn't kept safe within the confines of your rib cage. It isn't tucked nice and warm inside where it's protected. Everyday you literally convince yourself to be the best version possible because, if not... what else?

When I was 12 and romanticized about being a mother, when we were trying to conceive and I believed that seeing those two lines would be all I ever needed, when I was at the tail end of my pregnancy and told myself that once I had this baby in my arms my life would be complete..

All those times.

I was right. My life is truly complete.. 

Happy birthday, Mason. 

ELEVEN MONTHS

We are one month shy of being a whole year old. These updates will end next month and yet, I feel like I only started them yesterday. All eager to document his first month of life.. And look at us now. There has never been much consistency to these posts - some are written like a letter to Mason, some are written like a chat between you and me. All of them, though, bare a true portion of my life with my son. I only hope I manage to keep these up when I have another baby.

So yes, eleven months. Here we are..

You are your own spirit. I am reminded everyday. Like today, at the beach, I sat back and ate my sandwich and watched as you moved with such speed along the sand, stopping at anything that would take your interest. You would examine it with great fervour. If you deemed it worthy, you kept it in your hand as you continued on your merry way, if not, you dropped it and kept going.

You are a people person. You never shy away from eye contact. People are your thing. You make funny faces at them and send flying kisses.  At a restaurant, a large Mariachi band turns up and starts playing music loudly and you are entranced. For a portion of it, you yell (sing?) loudly too. The world around you is a delight to you. You soak it all in.

You give the best cuddles. You chase after other kids all day just to give them a big bear hug. It's a bit earlier than I expected, but maybe we need to talk to you about boundaries?

You are not without your challenges too, though. You have a fiery temper (Thanks Luke! - just kidding) and if something displeases you, we'll know about it! You also have an obsession with glasses and just grab it right off anyone's face. Gulp. Yes. We have that kid. 

It's such a cliche but every age you get to is my new favourite one. These days, you are pretty much a toddler and I think your dad loves that the most because you're less reliant on my boobies and he gets to spend solid amounts of time with you (if you ask me, he's been Flavour of the Month for a while now!).

You are a wonder in our lives. I have loved watching you grow this last 11 months, my love.

--

We celebrated Mother's Day yesterday. I feel so blessed to be able to partake in a day such as this. Mason did not have the best of days - Thank you, cold. But we had a beautiful day, no less. Breakfast made for me by the husband, a picnic on the beach and an amazing Mexican dinner. Tonight as I put him to bed, I whispered, "Thank you for choosing me."

However, on a day such as Mothers Day, it is not lost on me that there are many women who aren't able to be a mother - for various reasons. So, to all mamas.. The ones of lost babies, of babies they will only ever meet in heaven, of babies you have only ever dreamt of holding.. from the bottom of my heart, Happy Mothers Day to you.

TEN MONTHS

Sleeping bag c/o Joules

Of course I'm late for this post! It's my MO.

Whenever it comes time to address these posts, I tend to sit in front of the computer for a few seconds. Mostly because my mind is kind of going, "Holy sh*t. My baby is how old?" In less than 2 months, he will be one. It blows my mind that time could possibly have passed us that quickly.

Righto. Ten months. What is Mason up to these days? Basically, EVERYTHING. If you were a fly on the wall, here's what you'd be privy to:

You will find him at the dog bowl, splashing water around.
Yanking his spoon out of my hand to feed himself. Sometimes with great success, other times, its successful for the dog.
Screaming. You will find him screaming. Not entirely sure if he understands what he is doing, but I'm entirely sure he enjoys hearing the sound leave his mouth.
Hugging. He has started giving proper hugs. To us, his grandparents, the dogs. He even makes these cooing noises. It gets me everytime.
He stands for a few seconds and then drops right back on his bottom. I am in no rush for him to walk just yet.

I chose sleeping photos of Mason for this month because, frankly, it is those rare times when I get up, and he's still asleep between Luke and myself, and we both gush over how lucky we got.. It is those times where I could pinch myself.

How lucky did we get?!

NINE MONTHS

Dear Mason,

This month's update is a letter to you. Why? Because today you are exactly 41 weeks old.

41 weeks in, 41 weeks out.

From today onwards, I would have known you longer out in our big world than in my protective womb. So before I turn into a huge ball of emotions, here are some fun facts about you this month!

You are outgrowing everything! All your clothes. I am quite certain a lot of the stuff I stashed away for winter is already too small. You have fully mastered the art of crawling. Better yet, you actually scurry away when you know I'm coming after you. It is hilarious. You can stand for about a few seconds now before wobbling back down onto your bottom. You absolutely adore Meeka but sadly, she cannot stand a bar of you. It might be due to your inability to quite pat her and instead, you pinch her fur/ears/tail.. Yeah, it's not very fun for her.

You are a dynamic little man. If a sound is loud and has startled you, instead of crying, you yell back. You attempt to be louder than the sound that has scared you. This bit about you is probably (one of my many) my favourite. You are brave. Nothing like me - I am timid and worry a lot. You take anything on, fearless. I have no doubt this will one day be something I will find challenging about you!

Your dad and Grammy love talking about how people stop us in the street, or at the mall to let us know they think you are beautiful. It's funny. We already know, but it is sweet to hear. You smile at everyone. You draw them in. It's like you give them no choice. 

41 weeks. Can you believe it! You are a wonder to me. Every single day. Some days, you test me. You remind me of... me. But is it narcissistic that it makes me love you more? Maybe it is because now that you live on the outside, it is nice to be reminded that you are so much a part of me, still.

So yes. To this huge piece of my heart who just wanders around this big world of ours.. I love you. So so much.

Always yours,
Mama 

EIGHT MONTHS

Well. This is late - Mason is 9 months in two days. But let's just pretend okay?

Eight months hey. What can I say? Mason has been such a trooper this past 4 weeks. He fell sick when we were in Singapore, then popped two teeth, then triumphed through a rushed trip to Perth (We're in Perth again now). If there's anything I've learnt about this kid is that he can sleep anywhere. He is definitely his daddy's boy! And I am so grateful for that.

He also went from a weird crab-crawl-shuffling thing into a proper crawl this month. He follows me around the house and I have to remind myself not to put anything on the coffee table or the TV cabinet because sticky fingers will have his hands on everything!

What I love most about this last month is that he spent a lot of time with his grandparents. Two weeks with my family in Singapore and two here with Luke's parents. He also got to meet his great grand nanna, we never knew it would be the first and last time they spent time together.

6 flights later, I am grateful for my incredibly adaptive little man. Everyday Luke and I look at him and cannot believe he's ours.

Our favourite books

Recently I've been trying to develop a habit of reading to Mason. Just whenever he is getting fussy an bored of his toys, I take him into his room and spend a few minutes with our favourite books. I know he is still little and mostly grabs the book I'm holding so we end up having between 2 and 6 books open at any time.

But it doesn't matter because I thoroughly enjoy those precious moments with him. He sits in my lap and we go through these books together. I don't usually read Love You Forever finish because the end kind of makes me want to cry.

I always enjoy escaping into the depths of a good book and only hope Mason grows up loving to read. What are your favourite books - mamas and babies?

SEVEN MONTHS

My sweet man turned 7 months this week. I know people say this all the time but every age Mason gets to is my new favourite age. He well and truly has a personality now and I love seeing bits of Luke and myself in this (not so tiny) human being.

He loves kids. I'm not sure if he realizes he's one of them or takes after me (I walked in to my first day of kindy convinced I was there to teach the rest of the kids). He smiles at them and always wants to touch their face. 

He has finally decided he loves the ocean. Much to Luke's delight, of course! Thanks to the warmer weather we've had the last few weeks, the lagoon near where we live is a favourite of Mason's. Sand intrigues him and he drives his little feet and hands into it with the oddest expression on his face!

We are so happy he is in our lives. 7 months in and most mornings, if he wasn't right there holding (see: POKING) my face, I would not believe my luck.

'Twas the night before Christmas

Back when I was a kid, we always did Christmas Eve dinners in our home. I never knew why, its just what was done. I've learnt it is a European tradition of sorts and I think maybe my dad might have done it as a kid. The past few years with Luke working away and my family being in Singapore, I have skipped the Christmas Eve thing and enjoyed the Australian traditions with my in laws.

However this year, being the first Christmas with Mason and the first one Luke's been home for in 4 whole years, I decided I'd bring Christmas Eve dinners back. And from how much fun we all had, I'm thinking I'll keep it a running tradition for our family.

On the menu was a beautiful ham glazed ala Jamie Oliver, a whole salmon side baked and topped with a salsa verde of sorts, a pumpkin, pancetta & boccocini salad, Asian style barbequed prawns and (on Luke's special request) trifle!

We were missing my dad and brother. A corner of my heart ached for them and I watched from across the table as my mom struggled to hold back her emotions. I am comforted by the knowledge that there will be many more Christmases for our family in years to come.

We spent the following day at Luke's parents where we opened presents and had a beautiful lunch. We played trivia games and board games, and only got home after 10pm. It's a lovely sort of exhaustion to feel after having a brilliant day.

I hope the festive season has been more than kind to all of you, and that Santa was generous. x


I CANNOT believe Luke, myself and Mason never got a photo together the entire time. Excuse me while I knock my head against the wall.